Blissed out

Honey I Broke The Blog!

In fact, I'm not sure how to mend it!  It all started last week with the technical difficulties - then even when it was up and running again none of the pictures would display. I've got a horrible feeling I'm going to have to re-upload all of the photos!  All of them!  It could take me a while so you might have to bear with me. 

I was having a week of breaking things - I already told you about the picture frame (thank goodness it wasn't a mirror - can you imagine?!), the bag(s) and then the blog.  I'm not even entirely sure how I did it.  All I know now is that the pictures aren't showing and I don't know how to fix it without re uploading them.

But onto happier things!  The doctor has increased my anti depressants to the maximum dose which I was resistant to but have acquiesced because, as the doc pointed out, just because I'm feeling up half of the time, that still leaves the other half when I'm feeling low and anxious.  So I'm obliging and taking them and awaiting my mood miraculously lifting.

And I made a bag for myself - one that worked!  Hurah!  I wanted to have a happy summer bag that I could sling over my shoulders and was big enough to stash a ton of stuff into. 

It's simple in style but it worked and sometimes simple is the only way to go! 

And who can go wrong with yummy Amy Butler fabric?  Not even me!

Jo x

Sunshine Skirt

I've re-written this post once already.  For your benefit to be honest - and mine.  The first one was not something I was proud or happy putting 'out there.'  It was full of thoughts and feelings that I hope aren't a true reflection of me as a person but was instead filled with frustration and anger.  Feelings that I don't usually vocalise, or even acknowledge I feel most of the time.  But I'm riding waves of hormones and grief and sometimes it all just gets the better of me.  What am I angry at? What have you got?  People not driving as quickly away from lights as I'd like. John not putting his cup in the dishwasher (poor man's been yelled at more in the past few weeks than for the rest of our entire relationship), and pregnant people - lovely, joyful, blooming pregnant women whose joy I should be sharing except that I'm not.  And they're everywhere-in tesco's tonight I saw 5 - 5!  And the blogs seem to be full of baby stuff too.  I know I can't spend my life avoiding babies but I'm p'd off by what feels like a global, pregnancy conspiracy!  And it's not as if it's something to be really angry at - all they're doing is getting on with their lives and experiencing something wonderful.  I've zero right to be angry at that.  But I'm angry at the unfairness of it all.  That's all.  Not at them really.

I'm not someone who spends much time being angry usually.  I'm one of life's easy going people and I'm lucky enough to rarely get PMT so these uncontrollable feelings of rage have come as a surprise.  It's pretty distressing to be honest - feeling that my emotions can change at the drop of a hat and I can't be sure of how I'll feel from one minute to the next.  And I feel ashamed for what I'm feeling too.  These aren't nice feelings.  It's not righteous anger I'm experiencing. It sucks.  It's wrong and it's unfair. 

And when I'm not angry I'm crying!  Honestly, I'm hopeless!  And that's the shortened version - I've spared you most of the gory details!  But in between crying and raging I have actually been getting some stuff done. 

I've been sewing quite a bit and made myself this:

I was pleased with it eventually - my machine was playing silly beggars for a while there and I had to redo the bottom hem 3 times - to much swearing and gnashing of teeth!  But I finally got there - and was even brave enough to wear it in public yesterday - even with my milk bottle white legs (there has been much frantic Olay Everyday Sunshine action let me tell you!)

I love the fabric - so sunny and cheerful - just how I indend to feel one of these days! I also had a bit of a sewing disaster when I tried to make a tunic from the Sew Everything Workshop book - but it look terrible on me.

Actually, it looked OK if the look I was aiming for was 1970's Hungarian Peasant woman but that's not a good look on me if I'm honest!  But I'm trying to turn it into a skirt - I'll maybe be brave enough to post some pics if it works out (what more of my legs? I'll have to post a health warning at the top of the post!)

Olive Green and Kingfisher Blue

Finally I can show you the other bag I was working on. 

It's proved a slippery little fish - I just couldn't get it quite right.  First, I wasn't happy about the shape. Whilst it's so obviously inspired by one from Amy Karol's bend the rules sewing, I didn't quite follow the pattern exactly - the real pattern requires enlarging on a photocopier and I couldn't be bothered going into town to find somewhere I could get that done (Impatient, moi?)  So I just roughly drew it and so it wasn't to the exact measurements it should have been, which meant I had to guess the size of the handle and it turned out I didn't have enough matching fabric.  So I stuck upon the brainwave of using the ribbon to make a handle.  Cue ironing on interfacing and dealing with fraying ribbon (cue paining on of fray check!) 

Then it just didn't look quite right.  It was missing something.  Cue making of ribbon corsage topped off with cute little vintage button. 

Finally I'm happy with it and actually think the colors look pretty darn cute together!

I'm still not doing that well leaving the house, although I did go for a walk today (oh how lovely was it to have some sunshine this morning?)  I know I'm not that great - I'm not sleeping well at all and seem to have an aversion to speaking to people.  But for now I just need to nest and sew and spend lots of time with my boy. 

This is going to sound really awful but Cole woke up with a hacking cough and temperature yesterday and I was really pleased because it meant that he couldn't go to school and I could get one more day with him. Don't get me wrong, obviously I wasn't pleased he was ill.  But I did relish the thought of a whole day together snuggled up watching DVD's (Toy Story - again- yeah!)  In typical Cole style he was fine and up and about by mid afternoon but I did at least enjoy the morning with him.  I swear I've been so lucky; he's hardly ever ill to begin with and even when he is it rarely lasts for more than a day or so.  The only time he was properly ill was when he caught some virus that the doctors couldn't identify and he was in hospital with a horribly high temperature and meningitis type rash.  Even then, after being on intravenous antibiotics and in an isolation room, the fever broke after 3 days and he was sitting up and wanting to run about like nothing had happened (although I swear it was the scariest 3 days of my LIFE- I certainly didn't feel like running anywhere!)

So he was back to school today and I went for my walk and felt OK.  I then came home and finished off a pencil wrap I'd started making for Cole yesterday.

He chose the fabric and did some of the appliqué letters so it feels like a joint project. 

I've just finished it off so it will be ready for him to take tomorrow to school. 

Oh, and there's another benefit to being off work - I'm being a 'helper' on his school trip to the park tomorrow.  As a working Mum I don't usually get to do things like that so when the letter came through last week I thought I've no excuse really.  I'm not sure how I'll cope being in charge of a group of 8 year olds but I can only try!

Oh and I finished sewing the monkey squares together - it will make a nice cot quilt (still a bit scared of my first quilting attempt - do you think I'm stalling?) 

John suggested I keep it for when our baby finally comes along but something in me didn't feel right about that so I think I'll have to find someone to give it to (or put it in that Etsy shop that keeps tantalizing me!)

Tomorrow my intention is to be a bit more available - I've had so many missed called and unanswered phone messages that I really must start calling people back.  I just don't feel I've the energy to speak to anyone - I should at least let them know I'm still here and am okish-I even forgot to call my Dad back tonight - how awful's that? Note to self 'Must try harder... '

I'm fine - so long as I don't leave the house!

I'm turning into a hermit.  I'm quite happy with the arrangement.  In fact, I'm really ok so long as I don't try to leave the house, engage with the outside world or try and have a conversation that lasts for more than 2 minutes!

No really, I'm doing ok although I do feel very safe and warm in my nest of a house.  I can't imagine being able to return to work right now as simple things like cooking, cleaning and getting dressed in the afternoon (unless I'm taking Cole to school I'm struggling to be out of my PJs before lunch) are seem to take gargantuan amounts of energy.

Emotionally I'm a bit all over the place.  I have huge swathes of time where I feel really okish - in fact if it wasn't for feeling sore and bloated I could forget what's happened completely.  Then I have times when I just can't seem to stop the floodgates of tears. As my GP said, my hormones are currently in free fall and the fall out is me dissolving into floods at the drop of a hat.

But I've been doing some sewing and made a new bag. 

I'm about half way through my Amy Butler fat quarter stash and just don't want it to end! I've nearly finished another and have great plans for a lovely pile of gorgeousness that arrived in the post yesterday.

I managed to venture out of the house last night to go to weight watchers - I've managed to put on 5ibs over the past 6 weeks - as eating was all that seemed to stop the morning sickness it's no great surprise.  I realized that I wasn't too great when I started crying when explaining to the weight watchers leader why I hadn't been at meetings for the past 2 months.  I'm British so public displays of emotion are not seen as good!  I just felt like I was a ghost when I was sat in the meeting, watching all the women laughing and thinking to myself 'Hmm, I remember being like that' and realizing that I'm not quite as fine as I like to think.  I know I'll get there but I just feel so fragile right now.

It's my weekend to have Cole and I'm looking forward to having that lovely chunk of time with my boy.  We've not firm plans for what to do just yet - maybe a trip to the cinema and definitely some time at the park, weather permitting.  But mostly I'm looking forward to extended cuddles and talks (he's such a wise little man - even if most of the subject matter does revolve around Lego and Dr Who!)

Sunny Green Saturday

After my difficult day Thursday I decided I needed to occupy myself in the evening.  So rather than sit worrying or zone out in front of the TV I raided my ever increasing fabric stash and made this bag.

I'd ordered some Amy Butler Fat quarters from a shop on Ebay based in the US - fabric is generally half the price it is in the UK so even with the shipping charge it still works out much cheaper than buying here in the UK.  The only problem is that usually it can take a couple of weeks for things to arrive.  Only this bundle arrived in 4 days!  That's quicker than some UK sites.  I was so excited when it arrived and some of the fabrics are gorgeous.  I really like this green and teal of this one - and I managed to get the bag and lining made from 2 fat quarters - one for the outer and one for the lining.  The strap is just long enough for the bag to snugly fit under the arm and I had a bit left over so made the little rosette. 

I'm feeling much brighter and more positive today.  Thank you SOOOOOOO much for all of the words of support and comfort - they have meant so much and really helped me to shift my thinking to a more positive track.  I'm still feeling tired and was a bit sick after dinner yesterday - ridiculously I feel comforted by this!  John had been out and bought me tons of fruit and vegetables to make fresh juice - so I'm trying to drink one for breakfast (not a lot's staying put this morning!)   I know it looks like something the Incredible Hulk would drink but it actually tastes really nice. Here's the recipe:

• 3 large handfuls of baby spinach
• 1 lemon (whole)
• 3 apples
• 3 slices of pineapple
• half a cucumber
• 4 sticks of celery

Juice the whole thing - you do need a juicer though.  despite it's rather vivid color, it tastes really fresh and sweet.  You can play around with any veg/fruit combination you like.  Lettuce works really well as do broccoli stalks and kale. - I know it doesn't sound like it should taste nice but honestly it DOES.

I used to make it every day - but it does take a while to make and the cleaning up afterwards is a right pain.  So I've not made if for a couple of months (Gosh, I didn't realize it had been that long until I thought about it just then!)  It's a great way of getting a lot of vitamins and minerals inside you quickly - which I probably need right now (it's just whether they'll stay there!)

It's the first sunny day we've had all week - it's been properly miserable and rainy (not to mention cold.)  But today the sun has come out and I can see the blossom on the cherry tree outside and I'm actually looking forward to going out for a walk and getting a bit of exercise.  Cole's at his Dad's this weekend so I'm going to do some more making when I get back - I'm fast running out of friends to give things to - I'm toying with the idea of setting up a little Etsy shop (shh, don't tell anyone!) Oh and a giveaway - I realized that this week was my 1 year blogging birthday but with everything else going on I missed it!  So I've got an idea for a celebratory giveaway over the next few days and as a thank you for all of the wonderful support and kindness you've been showering me with.

Jo x

The Challenge Is Met!

Hi  I was beavering away all day yesterday with some of the fabric from the lovely   girls - and look what I made:

I love the candy colors of the Amy Butler Paisley print and I combined it with some green polka dot cotton sheeting I had.  I'm really pleased with how well the yummy colors go together and think the velvet looks way too cute - now all I need is a bit of sun to start using it!

I've also got an announcement - I've actually been keeping this one under wraps for a couple of weeks until we could tell my parents (they've been on holiday) - I'm getting married!  John & I have decided to get hitched, tie the knot, stroll up the isle, make it official etc, etc!

I'm so excited and there isn't much time either.  We've chosen May 31st as the date and don't want a bit reception, cars, hats and so on.  Instead we've going to have a very quiet ceremony and then a big party in the evening.  We're planning on keeping the costs to a minimum - We simply don't have £25k to spend on a wedding and anyway, I'm a crafting obsessive so what better excuse to get crafting then a homemade wedding?  So any ideas you can send my way would be gratefully received.  I want it to be modern and fresh, with color and  yummy things to eat. We've chosen the local community center for the party as it's cheap, just up the road and sits in a cobbled, tree lined square - you wouldn't think you were in the middle of a city when you 're there. I want the decorations to be simple yet stylish and for the whole thing to have a relaxed, homemade feel.  I'm thinking of having tissue paper pom poms everywhere as seem here

I thought about having mini pop pom flowers on twiggy sticks as table centerpieces with maybe so string lights in bowls  to provide pretty light (what's a party without string/fairy lights?)

I've NO idea what to wear - I'm thinking I'd like to have a bit of color instead of all white (I tend to look pretty washed out in white or cream) and definitely not floor length.  I'm almost tempted to attempt to make something - tell me if I"m being WAAAAAY to ambitious!  (Remember, my sewing experience currently runs to bags and 1 skirt!)

I've got so much that needs to be done - invitations, ideas for low cost flowers, food (I'm thinking of doing a hundred of so cupcakes instead of one big wedding cake - although John thinks that means I'm certifiable!)

So please send me all of your ideas - You're such a creative bunch that I'm sure you've got tons of great things I could do.

And please forgive me for being ridiculously overexcited!

Jo x

A Challenge!

Look what lovely goodies arrived in the post!  I'd ordered some fabric from buttonberry and it arrived today (well actually, it arrived on Friday but I've only just been able to collect it from the post office as I was out when the postie tried to force it through the letter flap!)  A lovely pile of Amy Butler fabric. And it came with such a lovely note too- now there's a challenge!  I can't wait until tomorrow when I can get stuck into this lovely pile.  I shall be posting pictures!

Have I Mentioned I Like To Be Warm?

It's still pretty nippy here in the UK - and it's not helped by our very temperamental boiler that seems to work just when it feels like (and then only for 15 minute stretches at a time!)
That coupled with the fact that the lavender wheat bag that I usually take to bed with me in the winter months burst a leak in bed last week - there were little bits of wheat grain everywhere! 

So I figured it was time for a new one.  I have had this beautiful Amy Butler fabric burning a hole in my stash drawer for a while now so I combined it with some gorgeous mustard colored ric rac and velvet ribbons to produce the new, super deluxe, could be taken to bed even in the swankiest of hotels, type new cover! 

I was hoping the Cole would draw me a lovely picture that I could embroider on like the one he did for his own wheat bag cover - but he's been far too busy trying to hatch his new Triops to get around for it.  I'll keep working on him - I'm sure I'll wear him down so that he'll give in a do it just to shut me up (Mum's are good at that!)

Chilled Out Sunday - An Exercise In Letting Go

it's been a lazy, relaxed, 'we don't have anywhere to go' kind of day.  I like days like this but I often worry that I should be 'doing' more - especially with Cole.  Perhaps it's the burden of the part time parent - we think that every moment should be 'quality' time, usually involving trips to exciting places (erm, like the cinema - not THAT exciting then!)

But I honestly don't think Cole is that bothered.  In fact, I know he had a lovely day today just hanging out with John and I, decorating eggs (I did my first attempt at blowing - the trick is to get the holes a decent size - otherwise it feels like you're about to have a nosebleed!), and backing cupcakes (well, the insides of those blown eggs needed using!)

He also played on his videogames with John, did some making with me, did his homework, read a bit and watched some TV. Then we ended the day with a roast dinner where I managed to convince him that mashed sweet potato was actually normal mashed potato with some food coloring in it! Hey, he ate it so those extra vitamins and beta carotene absolve me from any parental guilt such a whopping lie - ok?

As for me I enjoyed doing a bit of yoga this morning and making the dinner - many of my friends think I'm nuts but I actually enjoy making a full roast dinner on a Sunday - there's something very nurturing about it.  I like to do loads of veg and keep experimenting with gravy - I'm yet to perfect it!

And I made a bag for my oldest friend's birthday.  I don't get to see her too often because she lives in another city but we're getting together on Tuesday and i can't wait. She's the kind of friend who always seems to know the right thing to say and who I can laugh with about the most ridiculous thing.  She's also gone through many years of fertility problems and now has the beautiful baby Alice.  She knows just what I mean when I confess that I've gone through 4 pregnancy tests in a month, am stalking Mothercare and avoiding pregnant women because it's too painful.  She also knows how to make me laugh about the fact that none of this is logical, rational or understandable to anyone who hasn't been there.  And I love her for all of it and more.

But this weekend has been interesting.  I am due my period on Tuesday and am 99% sure Ive not caught this month.  How sure?  OK, I'll fess up, I've done 2 early pregnancy tests and both were negative.  The internal debate about this went thus:
3 days before period is due:
Wise me: Don't do a test, just wait a couple of days and you'll find out if you get your period, and if you do one before you're due it won't be that accurate anyway and you'll only want to do another one a day later.
Not so wise me: Yes, I know you're right...but I'm just going to do this one test and if it's negative then I'll know.
next day - 2 days before period is due:
Wise me: No really, don't do another test.  The last one was negative, you're hugely premenstrual, you know you're period is on it's way, just leave it for another couple of days. Even if you get a negative result you won't believe it until you get your period.
Not so wise me:  I'll just do this one.  Honestly, it'll be the last.
Wise me: Yeah, right.

So I've had 2 negative tests and a whole host of premenstrual symptoms but there's still a bit of me that is holding out hope that I'll have caught this month.  I was going to post a long, meandering essay last Sunday (Mother's day here in the UK) about how the day was bittersweet and how I'm overwhelmed with desire for a child that is so powerful it's almost blinding.  It makes me think and act pretty irrationally - want an example?  I measure everything by my cycle - as John says, 'we don't seem to use the Gregorian calendar, anymore, just the lunar one!' I work out when it's best to take a vacation,  meet the girls for a glass of wine after work, visit friends for the weekend, have sex even, by where I'll be in my cycle. I find myself looking at baby and maternity clothes in stores, even lying to the sales staff: "is it for you?", "Oh, no, for a friend of mine."  When I really want to scream - "There is no friend, yes it's for me, but it isn't really because I'm not pregnant, I'm a mad, obsessive woman who's an inch away from holding a sit-in in Mothercare!'

So I've be incrementally been losing the plot over the past 8 or 9 months (Oh, and did I tell you that my doctor wants to start running some tests because, as he puts it 'Time is not on your side.'  Yes, I know it's good that he's being proactive but really, did I need to hear that?)

OK, I know I'm ranting. But I really think I made a bit of a breakthrough this weekend.  I was reading O magazine when I took Cole swimming and i always love Martha Beck's column.  In this edition she was talking about wish lists and why they come true for some people and not others.  She said that those who's desires came true are coming from a place of surrender - they have let go of the need for it to happen.  I've been reading lots about the law of attraction lately and they all mention the letting go of the 'need' for things to happen. I'd read this so many times and thought I'd got it but didn't really.  Only intellectually, not on a gut level.  But reading this article by Martha Beck did resonate on that gut level.  I wanted this baby sooooooo much that it was blinding me, holding me back, limiting my life and not letting me enjoy life.  The Chinese doctor I'm seeing for acupuncture said more or less the same thing - I'm not getting pregnant because I'm worrying too much about doing just that.

So I lay in bed last night and faced the question - 'what would I do if I didn't get pregnant?' 'What would happen?'  I rolled the question over and over, again and again.  And eventually I came up with the answer - 'I'd be ok.'  I have a wonderful son, a great partner, a fantastic life - things are great and I've so much to be grateful for.  Another child, a child that is John and mine, would be wonderful but if it didn't happen, we'd still have a great life.

I don't know if what I'm describing sounds simplistic or obvious but something really shifted in me.  Today, I've been so much calmer, less tense and more relaxed.  I've enjoyed being with my family, my family that will be complete at 3, 4 or 5 - whatever happens. 

Tonight i feel calm and centered.  I hoping for good things.  Any way they come to me.

My First Skirt

'm just learning to sew and got the fabulous Diana Rupp Book Sew Everything Workshop recently.  I'm so impressed with it - lots of very wearable patterns and easy to follow instructions.  Anyway - I made a skirt!  My first one and I'm so proud of it.  I used a heavy cotton in Navy for the shirt itself and then used some vintage cotton lace doilies to embellish it .  What I'm so pleased about is that it actually fits - and it's something I'd actually wear (I know I should have had more faith in my abilities to begin with!)  The wrap shape is very flattering - it looks like I've almost got a flat stomach! And I reckon it's smart enough to wear to work too.