24 hours and the world's turned upside down

I'll keep this one short for lots of reasons.  It's amazing the difference 24 hours makes.  Yesterday I was getting married in a few weeks and having a baby.  Today I'm not.  The wedding has been postponed because Cole's dad had forgotten the date of the wedding and booked to take him away to Mexico on that week.  When he realised his mistake he tried to change the date with the travel company but couldn't - they'd lose the whole cost of the holiday (there are 5 of them going.)  I can't get married without Cole there.  It's just not happening - the wedding's as much about the 3 of us becoming a proper family at it is about John and I making that commitment to one another.

Anyway, even if that hadn't happened we'd have undoubtedly canceled it anyway in light of today. I started bleeding again.  And this time the scan wasn't good news.  Baby hasn't grown as expected and they really struggled to detect a heartbeat.  They think they located it (2 sonographers looked) but it's very faint and slow.  They, and the nurse who spoke to us afterwards left us in no doubt that this wasn't good and we should expect the worst.  'Nature will likely take it's course' over the weekend and if it doesn't I have to go back next week and they'll help it along.

I felt so sad earlier on but now I'm feeling hollow, empty and numb.  Maybe it's nature's way of the mind protecting itself.  We'll rearrange the wedding - probably in a few months.  We'll also try for another baby.  but I wanted this one.  I really wanted it.

I might be a bit quiet for a bit.  Or I might go into a making frenzy to keep myself occupied.  So you never know - I might be posting everyday with new stuff I've made.  Bear with me please. 

Comments

[Ruth]

So very, very sorry. Do whatever you need to do, we'll be here.

[Stefanie]

After losing two pregnancies myself I understand your feeling of numbness a year later I still feel it some days more than others. You are in my thoughts. Do what is best for you, and know that we will be here whenever you need us.

[Twiggypeasticks]

Sending you a BIG hug honey. I'm so very sorry, take good care of yourself and like Ruth & Stefanie have said we'll be waiting for you when you feel ready to come back
Twiggy x

[Claudia]

Not much to say, huh? Just the best wishes to give you strength to keep going so you can find better things ahead on the road.

[Mom2fur]

I'm so sorry. I miscarried many years ago, and it is truly devestating. I still think of 'her' (it was early, so I really have no idea--just a feeling it was girl) once in a while, even after almost 20 years. But I promise you, it really does stop hurting in time. Sending you hugs...

[Allison]

Thinking of you during this time. At 21 weeks myself, I am still very tentative about the whole thing. You just never know. I am thinking good thoughts for you.

[Jordana Castro]

I am very sorry!!!! I don't understand, did you loose your baby? or there's a chance the baby can be saved? I lost my brother a few years ago, and also a 2 months baby. I totally get you!. It's hard for me to express in English what i want to say but I send you a big hug and a big kiss, and lots of positive vibrations.

[Jennifer]

So sorry...