Peas, Beans, Figs and Lemons

A scan

Your baby's face is beginning to look more human, even though she is only about 2 inches / 5.5 centimetres long from her crown to her rump and weighs slightly less than half an ounce/ 14 grams. The eyes, which started out on the sides of the head, have moved closer together. The ears are almost in their normal position on the side of the head. The liver is making bile and the kidneys are secreting urine in the bladder.

The fetus squirms if your abdomen is prodded, although you cannot yet feel movement. Fetal nerve cells have been multiplying rapidly and synapses (neurological connections in your brain) are forming. The fetus has acquired more reflexes: touching the palms makes the fingers close, touching the soles of the feet makes the toes curl down and touching the eyelids makes the eye muscles clench.

I've been on a course this week which has been exhausting.  Everyone else on it was residential but because I only live an hour's drive away it seemed a bit of a waste of money to stay over too.  But it might  have been better to because it was one of those courses where they give you loads of evening work to do - grrr!  So I was getting up at 6.30 to get there for 8.30, doing a full day until 5 on the course, then driving home (one night didn't get back until after 7 because of traffic) THEN having 2 hours homework to do in amongst doing homework with Cole, trying to spend some quality time with my long suffering husband and fitting in the ridiculous amount of sleep I seem to need at the moment.  I was not in the best of humours for most of the week I have to admit!

To make matters worse John had bought us tickets to go and see a band we both really love (they're like 'our' band) on Thursday and I ended up not being able to go because I had an essay to write for this stupid bl**** course!  It would have been our first night out together since before Christmas and I ended up staying in, writing stupid work stuff and going t bed at 10, exhausted and feeling very sorry for myself.

But on Friday afternoon we had our 12 week scan.  I was nervous but that low lying 'I'm just going to almost pretend that this isn't happenning' sort of nervous.  I think I kind of disconnected from it and all the fears going through my head like some whispered, nagging soundtrack.  What if there's no baby there?  What if it's died? Dying?  Obviously abnormal?  Not grown properly?  All of my fears based on past experiences or tragic stories I'd read far too much about.

So by the time we got to the hospital I was tense and quiet which didn't help by the fact that we were 30 minutes early and my bladder was already full to bursting.  They were then 45 minutes late to call us - yes that's right, I sat there for well over an hour needing to pee and trying not to think about what was about to happen.  When we finally went in the sonographer said 'Gosh, that's a full bladder!' - No kidding.

She took a quick look at my notes and said she wanted to check for a heartbeat before turning to screen on for us to see.  "oh great' I thought, 'here we go' but then, almost immediately she said 'Yes, nice strong heartbeat.'  and just like that we were having a baby.

She turned on the big TV facing us and there, after a few seconds of TV snow, appeared our baby.  I think it was sleeping at first because she gave my tummy a poke (when I thought I was going to Pee all over the couch!) and it did a little jump and jiggled about - probably getting more comfortable and wondering who the rude person who'd just poked it was! I didn't cry like I have with relief at the previous scans - I think I was so disconnected and in shock that I didn't have it in me. The rest of the scan went so quickly - I don't think they check for very much at this stage - heartbeat and measurement for dating purposes.  She put me ahead a couple of days so I'm now 12.4 and I've got another appointment in early May for my anomaly scan.  It was lovely walking out thinking I was nearly 13 weeks rather than just 12.

I was completely exhausted afterwards - I needed to go straight to be for the first time in well over a week.
It feels weird - can we really relax now?  Is this really going to happen?  dare we believe?

I've hit completely sick of feeling sick

This has been a tough week - culminating in me ringing friends in tears the other night sobbing that I couldn't cope with feeling so rotten all the time any more. They were fab - very reassuring telling me that  at the points when they both thought they couldn't carry on - that's when it all started to lift.  And bizarrely (or maybe it was the subtly planted suggestions) a few days later I did start to feel a bit better.

At first I managed a day without napping - which sent me into a panic of 'oh my God, my symptoms are disappearing what does that mean?' but a few days later I noticed I was getting periods when I wasn't actually feeling nauseous. 

I've only a week now until I have my 12 week scan which I'm looking forward to and dreading in equal measure.  When will I be able to relax and actually enjoy being pregnant?

Energy - I remember what that was like (vauguely)

The fetus is only about 1.2 inches / 3 centimetres long from crown to rump and weighs less than a sixth of an ounce / 4 grams. Even so, it's busily swallowing and kicking. Each day more minute details start to appear, such as fingernails and peach-fuzzy hair.

The vital organs -- the liver, kidneys, intestines, brain, and lungs -- are fully formed and functional, while the head is almost half the length of the entire body. The forehead temporarily bulges and sits high on the head, but later will change into a more human-like feature.

If you could take a look at your baby this week, you'd be able to see the clear outline of his spine. Spinal nerves stretch out from the spinal cord.

This week things have felt easier - I'm slowly feeling more confident that this pregnancy is going to last, and my energy has slowly started to return - a little anyway.  I've not had a nap for the past 3 days - which feels very strange as it's been a constant need for the past 2 months.  Actually I'm relieved that things are starting to settle - on Saturday I had decided that I was officially fed up and had had enough of this feeling rotten lark.  And like some benevolent and slightly indulgent parent, the universe decided to throw me a bone and give me a bit of my old self back.

But it also decided to send me huge pimples too - so I'm not completely happy!  And I'm still feeling sicky and not enjoying food.  But all things in good time. 

I've found myself starting to look ahead - and scaring myself a little too in the process.  I've been tentatively looking at nappy options (thinking of the Bambino Mio reusable at the moment) and pretty maternity clothes (there's been a fair bit of ebay gazing going on too.)But I can't bring myself to actually buy anything yet - although I desperately need some maternity bras so I'm going to have to bite the bullet soon.

Another milestone this week was telling some of my colleagues at work.  We were doing forward planning for the next 12 months so it seemed only fair to let them know that I was unlikely to be there come end of August!  They were all very congratulatory and it made it feel pretty real (and therefore a bit dangerous but I'm going to have to get over that one.)

So I feel like I'm nearly there - almost daring to hope that this is going to work but not quite.  I was tempted to order a doppler (ebay again) to reassure myself over the next few weeks but so far I've resisted.  Somehow I feel that it's not going to do my neurosis any good - but I could very well crumble in the next few days - 13th March (when I have my 12 week scan) still seems like a very long 10 days away.

The Day I Started To Feel Better - and Then Instantly Worse!

By the tenth week of pregnancy, you may find yourself riding pregnancy's emotional roller coaster, feeling moody one day and joyful the next. Disturbing as this is to some women who pride themselves on being in control, what you're going through is normal and will probably continue throughout your pregnancy. Up-and-down emotions are partly caused by raging hormones.

At week's end, your fetus measures approximately 0.9 inches / 2.3 centimetres long. In both shape and size, it resembles a peapod and weighs less than a tenth of an ounce / 2 grams. The eyelids are fused and won't open until week 27. The wrists are more developed, ankles have formed, and the fingers and toes are clearly visible. Arms are growing longer and bend at the elbows. By week's end, the inner workings of the ears are complete. Though you can't yet identify the sex of the fetus by ultrasound, its genitals have begun to form. By now the placenta has developed enough to support most of the critical job of producing hormones.

I entered my 10th week of pregnancy on Thursday and had a really productive day in work.  I wasn't too exhausted to doubt whether I could drive home safely.  I'd only had to munch on few crackers all afternoon - the sickness wasn't that awful dominating everything feeling it has been for the past few weeks.  In fact, I felt pretty good.

But then...

Then I started to worry that I this wasn't normal and was in fact a sign that something terrible had happened.   I managed to wind myself up so much that I booked a private reassurance scan - even though I'm worried about how we'll manage financially when i take time off from work (unfortunately my maternity scheme isn't great in my new job so we're facing me having practically no income after the first 3 months.)

Then on Friday I had a meeting in the city and had to get the bus in.  I then had a 30 minute walk across town to my meeting (which went well) and then a 30 minute walk back.  I called into Blooming Marvellous on my way back (I was feeling brave) and they had a super duper sale on with lots of really lovely clothes a quarter of their usual price.  I even tried some on.  In the changing rooms they have a little bump that you tie on to get an idea of how the clothes will look once you're bigger and I felt so nice in the clothes - swooshy little tops and cute dresses.  I was sooooo tempted to buy some. 

But then...

I started to feel pains.  Now, at the I'm getting a lot of stomach discomfort which I put down to slow moving intestines (all that extra progesterone) and usually I tell myself that's all the pains are.  Except on Friday I couldn't quite convince myself.  In fact I managed instead to convince myself that it was the start of a miscarriage.  So panicked, I briskly walked up to the nearest department store (practically ran more like it) to visit the loo.  Nothing there.  So I carried on walking back towards the station and had to pull into the loo again - no blood or signs of miscarriage but my lady bits were, how do I put this?  Twice their normal size and bright red - I mean tomato red!  How I managed to calmly get on a train and do the 10 minute walk home at the other end I've no idea.  I'd convinced myself I must be having an anaphylactic shock or something!  By the time I'd got home I was hot and bothered (all over!) and range John in a total panic.  He told me to ring the midwife and NOT to Google it but of course that's what I did and guess what - it's apparently not that uncommon (Why did no one mention this to me before?).  The swelling is something to do with the extra blood circulating in the pelvis, coupled with all the brisk walking I was doing, not to mention panicking, I was also probably a little bit chaffed.  So my poor lady bits (not to mention crackpot psyche) were a little raw. 

So needless to say, I didn't buy any lovely maternity clothes and my frazzled, neurotic mind obviously went into spasms of panic at the thought.  So it's maybe a bit early to be thinking of such things yet. 

Don't Look At The Wall

I heard this expression when someone was talking about being a racing car driver (and I'm sure that phrase makes me sound like a complete girl - or an 8 year old boy!  Should it be formula 1 driver?  Indie car driver?  I don't know, it'll do for me!)  Anyway, they were talking about what to do to be successful, and the guy said - (I'm paraphrasing here obviously) "The thing is, there'll be times when you think you're going to hit the wall.  But you've got to look away from the wall to where you want to go because as soon as you look at the wall, that's when you're going to hit it.  Look to where you want to go, not where you don't"

I think early pregnancy is a bit like that too.  There is so much information about what can go wrong.  I can't bring myself to buy any pregnancy books yet but I have been having sneaky looks in Borders now and again.  It seems that every time I do  I pop open the page on miscarriage by complete coincidence.  Reminders of my greatest fear seem to be everywhere.  I'm almost 9 weeks pregnant (tomorrow) and so almost into my 10th week.  This is the furthest along I've been in my pregnancies since I was pregnant with Cole...Apart from last time - well, last time it was picked up at a scan (which I had because of a slight bleed) but after waiting 10 days in total before my D&C my body was still holding onto the pregnancy and acting as if it was still pregnant.  OK, sickness symptoms and tiredness lessoned but my boobs were still sore - it was like a big trick was being played on me.  So what if it's happened again?
Don't look at the wall.  Don't look at the wall.  Don't. Look. At. The. Wall.

So I've decided that this whole early pregnancy thing (and lets face it, middle, late and post pregnancy thing too) is an exercise in letting go.  Giving up the desire and the need for control.  Because I can't control this.  Any of it.  I can't control whether this baby is healthy (well, apart from the obvious not drinking, smoking or doing hard dangerous drugs.  Actually add to that eating raw shellfish, pate, blue cheese or having hot baths apparently.)  I can't control whether it survives to term.  I can't control this pregnancy at all.  All I can control is how I respond to it;  how I manage my own anxiety - and that's proving a learning curve. But I'm working on it.

Fear Is A Disease. Hope Is The Only Cure

My eight year old son is a huge fan of Star Wars Clone Wars. He was watching it this morning and this quote appeared at the beginning of the episode.  I thought it was very apt.

I've been a complete misery guts recently!  No, completely.  I didn't realise just how down and anxious I was feeling, not to mention how unhelpful that approach is to a situation like this.  I'm thrilled to be pregnant and excited at the thought of bringing a new person into the world.  When I think back to being pregnant with Cole I was so innocent - positive pregnancy test meant healthy baby at the end of it all.  I honestly don't think it really occurred to me that anything would go wrong.  Fast forward nearly 10 years and 2 miscarriages later and I think my attitude has been more of a 'positive pregnancy test = you might get a baby at the end of it and just pray it's healthy.'  My whole focus has shifted to a really unhelpful and unhealthy place.  I need to get back to the place of optimism or this is going to be one long and traumatic pregnancy - and will probably be more likely to have problems too.

So the pessimism and worry has to end now (or I definitely need to head it off at the pass.)  it's not doing me or the baby any good.  I saw my midwife for my booking in appointment on Friday and she was lovely.  And one of the best things about it was she talked in 'whens' not 'ifs' - which just highlighted to me that I haven't been.  We discussed the tests (I'm really not sure about whether to have the blood test or not or a nuchal scan as I'm still pretty sure I wouldn't go ahead with an amnio.  But she did put it into perspective of just how rare it is for something to be wrong - and that the 20 week scan is really detailed now at picking up anomalies (although it is a bit late in the day then if you were inclined to take further action.

She asked me if I've thought about having my baby at home - which to be honest I think I'd prefer than going into hospital and having a very medicalised birth.  I'm planning on doing a hypno birthing course in preparation so I think a home birth would be something I'd definately like to consider.  See, look at me - thinking ahead to a birth!

The statistics are very much in my favour that this is going to work out-according to the miscarriage association:

"If the scan picks up a heartbeat and the baby appears to be the right size according to your dates, this can be very reassuring. Research has shown that if you see a heartbeat at 6 weeks of pregnancy, the chances of the pregnancy continuing are 78%. A heartbeat at 8 weeks increases the chance of a continuing pregnancy to 98% and at 10 weeks to 99.4%. So things could still go wrong, but as long as there is a heartbeat, the risk of miscarriage decreases as the weeks go by."

I had a scan last week at 7.4 which showed baby as the right size and a good heartbeat so that must mean I've at least a 90% chance of it succeeding (I'm guesstimating a bit here!)  If I get to have another reassurance scan next week or the week after when I'll be 9/10 weeks and it's all good then I'm surely laughing.  

As for the tests and nuchal scan I'm still going to have to think about those - and broach the subject again with John.  But one step at a time.

More of the same - tiredness!

Congratulations -- your embryo is now called a fetus, which means "offspring". Your uterus expands to accommodate its new resident, which now measures approximately 0.6 inch / 1.6 centimetres. Many changes take place this week -- the embryonic tail is gone, and all organs, muscles, and nerves are beginning to function. The hands now bend at the wrist, and the feet begin to lose their webbed appearance. Eyelids are beginning to cover the eyes.

I hit my 9th week today and I'm still exhausted.  I was running a training session today which is usually pretty energy intensive but today I was wiped out by the end of it.  I don't know how I managed to drive home in one piece - I even managed to turn into a one way street the wrong way only to be faced by a bus driver waving his hands and mouthing 'NO!' at me!  I had to go straight to bed when I got home and I probably would have stayed there all night had John not woken me up to have some dinner.

I've got my first appointment with the midwife tomorrow - my booking in appointment.  I'm hoping she'll agree to me having another scan - if it's in her control of course, which is might not be.  I might have to go back to my doctor's to request one - I don't think my nerves will cope with waiting until I'm 12 weeks to check that everything's ok.

Last night I was feeling so sick and tired and hormonal that I had one of those girly, sobbing almost to the point of inarticulation moments.  I must have listed about half a dozen things - I feel sick, I'm so tired, I can't think straight, I look terrible, I can't cope with working, what if it doesn't work out, I've got spots and my jeans are getting tight...you know that typical hormonal combination!  What did my darling husband do?  did he comfort me with reassuring words?  No - he burst out laughing!  To be fair he was giving me a hug at the time and it was probably what I needed to snap out of it but it certainly wasn't what I'd expected!  I'm not usually prone to crying fits so I think he was taken by surprise - at least I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt on that one for now!  I just hope his empathy skills improve as the weeks go on!

Telling my boss

This wasn't something I've been looking forward too - My boss is lovely but as I only started there at the beginning of December so this isn't exactly great timing.  But we've been trying for nearly 2 years now - it could have happened at any time (and we're not on solid ground yet - far from it in fact.) Or it might never have happened (I was beginning to think that was the truth too.)

But even with those things considered, it still doesn't seem like great timing from an employer's point of view.  But fortunately she was great.  Once she got over the shock (and it took her a couple of minutes understandably!) she said that she was torn - on the one hand she's disappointed because they have lots of plans for me and  are happy with what I've been doing so far, and on the other hand she's really pleased for me - especially after everything we've been through with the miscarriages.  I couldn't have asked for a better reaction really.

Worrying Weekend

9/02/09

Whilst I'm trying really, really conscientiously to remain calm during this pregnancy, I lost it a bit this weekend  because I had some bleeding.  Not something you want to have in pregnancy and whilst it's far from uncommon, it was still scary as hell.

When I had my miscarriages they were both preceded by bleeding so the echoes were hard to ignore.  But I didn't have any pain (apart from what I was imagining by being uber focussed on all things uterus) and although the blood was bright red and fresh looking, it didn't increase from spots for a few hours. I rested all day on the couch or in bed and tried to think positive thoughts.  I almost pulled it off until I finally lost it and ended the evening sobbing to John that I couldn't go through this again and was convinced i was losing this one too.

So Monday morning we rang the Early Pregnancy Unit (EPU) and were told to go up for a scan.  And there was a healthy tiny baby with a good, strong heartbeat and measuring exactly right for my dates.

 
It did make me feel better seeing it but not 100% - I think because we'd had a scan at 7 weeks last time and the baby had got into difficulties and stopped developing at 8.2 - I just wish I could have a scan slightly later to reassure me that we've got past that point.  But the good news is that this time the baby is measuring exactly right, whereas last time it was measuring pretty small for my dates (about a week behind.)  In fact, last time it didn't grow past 8mm whereas already this baby is 12mm so that suggests things are progressing well.  I've just got to stay calm and get my PMA (positive mental attitude) back.

The midwife at the EPU said they couldn't find any obvious reason for the bleeding but that as the uterus is growing so rapidly at this stage it's fairly common.  She did suggest we might want to avoid sex for the next few weeks - John was thrilled (not!) as you can imagine!  She also said the scan was a really good sign and they wouldn't rescan me now until my dating scan at around 12 weeks - I was really hoping for another before then - maybe I can talk to my midwife about it.

Acupuncture For Morning Sickness

Now about half an inch / 1.25 centimetres long, the size of a grape, the embryo has distinct, slightly webbed fingers and toes. It's a jumping bean, moving in fits and starts. The liver is churning out large amounts of red blood cells until the bone marrow forms and takes over this role.

This week the nausea really kicked in.  Here's what I've tried so far...

• Crystalised Ginger - didn't seem to work too well and because I've only got stuff covered in dark chocolate (which is turning my stomach at the moment - how cruel is that?)
• Ginger tea - I think the whole ginger thing for me is a total turn off to be honest
• Acupressure bands - these do seem to take the edge off things (a bit anyway)
• raspberry leaf tea - again, takes the edge off things temporarily  - at least while I'm drinking it
• Sleep - works at least while I AM asleep
• Eating - this seems to work best - although I'm doing it all the time.  The only time I don't seem to feel sick is when I'm eating
• EFT tapping - yes, I've even tried this - I know lots of people swear by this and find it really useful but honestly, it did nothing for me
• Cutting back on meat - I don't know how much this has helped - I suppose if I hadn't it could  be a whole lot worse.
• Vitamin B6 - again - this could be helping - who knows?
• Acupuncture - I tried it this week and it was interesting - the therapist was lovely and then after she did the treatment she said 'Just to let you know, this could make it feel worse for the next few days!!!' Are you kidding me?

That last one is the main reason for this post - I've felt dreadful for the past couple of days.  Proper can't get off the sofa and can't decide whether I need to eat or hurl.  Fortunately I managed to work from home for 2 days when it was at it worst and it does seem to have eased off today.  But maybe it's my discovery that constantly eating crackers or mints seems to stave it off (I'm trying not to even think about how heavy I'm going to be if I get through this!)

Finally Talked - And Nauseous

John and I finally talked about things on Sunday night - I think I scared him good and proper but it wasn't intentional!  It was good to talk - although all we seemed to focus on was the serious what could go wrong type of stuff which wasn't great in itself.  I started off by asking him to help me decided whether to ask for an early scan or not.  I've been doing so well as just ignoring the pregnancy but now the hormones are kicking in and it's getting more difficult.  And whilst I'm calm and reasonably optimistic (remarkably so for my really) at the moment, that could become harder to maintain as the weeks go on.

John thought it would be good to have a scan at around 8/9 weeks - so that at least I will know everything's ok around the time it went wrong last time.  HIs logic was very good - he thought I would find it difficult to relax the closer to the critical time I got to when it all went wrong last time. 

Then we talked about about whether to have a Nuchal scan at 11 weeks because if we do I suppose we should start thinking about arranging one. I personally am torn between doing it for peace of mind and just choosing the remain hopeful and positive. I know (at least as much as I can know in this innocent place of ignorance) that I wouldn't have any intrusive tests like an amnoeo nor would it chance my decision to have the baby even if we discovered it had downs.  John I think feels slightly differently - he's not sure what he's do and certainly not as definite as me.  So we'll more than likely have the nuchal scan and there's every chance it will be fine and it's a conversation we won't need to take any further.

I also got him thinking about the financial position if this pregnancy is successful.  When I changed my job 2 months ago I left a really generous maternity scheme and a stressful job that was making me unhappy.  I've changed to a job I really enjoy with a much more supportive culture but their maternity leave scheme isn't as financially generous.  Although I mentioned this to John at the time I changed I know it didn't really register with him.  I also thought it best to tell him as soon as possible that I'd like to take at least 9 months off with this baby and ideally a year.  This would mean we would potentially be taking a large financial drop for a while.  Although we'll manager, it's something we need to be aware of and plan (not to mention save) for.  I could tell that this hadn't occurred to him at all and when I went to bed it was hours before he came up.

The next day we had another chat and thankfully he'd worked through some of it in his head.  I suppose it's just making it feel a bit more real - which feels frightening for both of us.  Last time he didn't get to go to the 'nice' scan when I'd seen the baby's heartbeat because it was last minute (because of bleeding) and he was working on the other side of the country.  The only scan he got to see what the horrible, 'we're so sorry' scan. So it's no wonder he's got mixed emotions about this whole thing too.

Last night I had a good cry - for no reason and everyone under the sun I could think of!  I've started feeling pretty sick which gave me horrible flashbacks to the few days before we lost our last baby.  I remember feeling sick, exhausted, low and like I couldn't cope.  The next day we discovered we were losing the baby.  I know this time is a different pregnancy but it's sharing some similar feelings.  Sometimes it's really testing my nerve.

Today we went to the doctors (I'm usually so strong and organised but my new pathetic hormonal me wanted John to come with me in case the doctor wouldn't agree to an early scan.)  So bless him he came and sat there practically in silence for the 3 minute appointment because the doctor agreed straight away!  But perhaps it's that the sun's out, or that my hormones are giving me a rest but I'm feeling brighter and more positive today.  Onwards and upwards.