Blissed out

Getting There

I seem to have touched a nerve with people and it wasn't intentional but thank you for the messages of support generated by my last post.  I'm sorry I've not really been on top of things like replying to comments and emails - they have meant a lot and I will get to you I promise - if you can just bear with me a bit longer.

What really surprised me were the comments and emails thanking me for being brave and honest.  Well, that blew me away to be honest.  Here I was feeling cruddy and low, feeling like I was doing nothing but spreading my misery into the world (ok, exaggerating slightly) and here I get people thanking me.  That caused a bit of a paradigm shift in me to be honest. I certainly hadn't viewed it that way but if I've managed to touch some people then I'm really honored. 

I forget just how common feelings like mine are.  I think that's one of the many, many yakky things about depression;  It isolates you - makes you feel out of step with the rest of the world.  Your messages have reminded me that feeling low is part of life and I'm not alone in feeling it.

It's funny.  I've experienced depression (in various forms) for over 20 years now and it still has the power to slay me and completely skew my perspective on things.  Take the instance of my doctor wanting me to increase my anti-depressant dose. I think I mentioned that I was really resistant to it.  That was the depression talking.  When I'm well (and I can feel the lifting of my mood as I write) I don't worry about taking a little pill everyday.  I don't associate shame or weakness with it, and yet when I'm feeling low I hate the idea of taking it.  Thankfully I have enough history with this to know that I can't always trust my instincts when I feeling like this so took them anyway.  I'm so glad that I did as things are starting to lift, colors are coming back into my world; changing from the sepia that life had become.  I feel my optimism returning and my ability to laugh.  Why on earth would I be resistant to taking one little pill per day that can help to do all of that?

It is important that I'm honest and open about my depression because one of the nasty little features of it is shame and secrecy.  When the illness takes hold, I feel as though I'm infected with some transmittable disease that can be passed to anyone I touch.  I feel I have to keep it hidden, and that be doing so I can protect people around me.  I know that this doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but in my addled brain it has a certain sort of logic to it.  If I can keep away from people, or keep the words inside me, I, and they, will be OK (of sorts.)  So one of the ways I've learned to break the cycle is to be as open as I can manage about it, especially when I'm well.  I want to establish really strongly in my mind that this isn't something to be ashamed of and that shame is simple a by product of the illness itself.

So I'm glad that some of you were touched by my writings, and saddened that so many of you could relate to it.  To borrow a phrase from Oprah, What I know for sure is that life doesn't have to be a struggle and there are lots of things that can be done to break the cycle of depression when it hits.  Some times it might take a few attempts to find what works best for you, often (as in my case) it will be a combination of things.  I know that if I take the pills, exercise (even if walking is the only thing I can manage), watch my sugar intake, and break the cycle of shame, I'll start to life out of it.  I have enough people around me who love me and know enough about how the illness affects me (another by product of me choosing to be open) to be there to remind me to do all of those things and to remember that 'this too shall pass' (I used to write that phrase out over and over when I was at my lowest as a reminder that everything is temporary.)

Already I can feel the sunshine again, and whilst I'm not 100% there, I'm definitely on my way.  To those of you on the same journey, I wish you a speedy recovery too.  Life can be wonderful - we just forget sometimes.

Jo x

Addicted to Making

I know I've posted about this before - or alluded to it anyway.  I can't remember how much detail I've gone into in the past, although I suppose if I read through all of my past posts I could find out.  I often forget that I live with my mental health 'condition', but sometimes it likes to remind me.  For years I thought it was just depression with a fair sprinkling of anxiety but then about 10 years ago I was diagnosed as having a bi-polar disorder.  I think of myself as someone who just has a lot of determination and energy - but it doesn't always seem that way to others.  There have been times in the past where I've not made the best choices - and the dilemma for those of us with such diagnoses is to put these down to the illness (instead of the things 'normal people' would say, like being young, in love, insecure, or naive) but overall my life is pretty darn near perfect.  I love my son, have a great career, wonderful partner, great house - I really don't have any complaints at all.

About six months ago my diagnosis was changed to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).  I think it wasn't picked up on before because I don't have any of the compulsions usually associated with it - the hand washing or rituals that people often have.  But I do have the obsessive side.  When I'm not well I can get thought loops running around my head that can be so invasive they literally wake me up at night.  I can still function on very little sleep if I get thoughts stuck there and have to watch myself for getting exhausted and tipping into the unhealthy side of things.  I'm on some great medication which keeps things nicely in check, but I know that I need to do plenty of preemptive stuff to keep on top of things. I know that my head can run away with me and I have to take time to consciously rest it and divert it from worrying or obsessing about things that aren't very helpful.

That's why crafting and creativity has been my lifeline.  I struggle to sit and do nothing - I can't even watch TV without also reading a magazine, blogging or thinking.  And it's that last one that gets me into trouble at times.  It was worry about the most ridiculous things if I let it but I find that if I sit and do something soothing yet absorbing - knitting, sewing, embroidery and all of that tactile creativity, then it behaves.  In fact, it's like medicine.

I don't know why I felt the need to write this tonight.  Perhaps it's because my blog is becoming more widely known to people who know me in 'real' life - my Dad's started reading it, as have some of the people I work with.  I've been teased a little in work - albeit very flattering teasing with lots of comments about how I'm an earth mother, domestic goddess and how they 'don't know where I find the energy.'  I also know that I've become aware that to some people, my love of crafting (and perhaps my recent thrift store frenzy - hey, they had a SALE on!!) seems a bit obsessive, and this is possibly a cause of concern.

To me, crafting, be it obsessively at times, is a positive direction to focus my busy mind.  I sleep better, I feel calmer and I don't worry half as much.

I know that this is a bit out of character to my usual posts and I'm sorry if I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve a bit much.  Tomorrow I'm sure will be back to business as usual but I feel lighter and more authentic to have got this off my chest.

Beyond therapeutic, creating is essential

It's felt like a looon couple of weeks back in work.  I've gone from sunny Barbados which was filled with light, relaxation, tons of creating, rest, healthy eating and just lots of yummy things.  I feel so grateful that we could go and I'm sure the weeks restorative powers will last for many months to come. 

So the contrast to being straight back into work has been a bit of a shock.  I'm working longer hours each day because I'm condensing my hours into 9 days per fortnight instead of 10.  So although it only equates to around 45 minutes longer per day, I've really felt the difference. tonight was my last night before my day off (yippeee!) tomorrow but I do feel tired.

I've missed light - I'm leaving the house in darkness and returning in darkness.  I'm also starting a new web project so have been working on that most evenings and the frenetic pace in taking its toll on my sanity.  I went through about a week on only managing 4 hours sleep because my brain was so whirry and then for the past couple of nights I've been so tired that I'm wanting to go to bed at 9pm.

Time and again I come back to making things to calm and restore me.  There's been so little light this week that I've not managed to get any decent pictures but I'm hoping to get some  today of my latest project -  a the cushion I'm making for Cole.  I was going to do him an embroidered cushion from one of his drawings but when I found a blank cushion in the sale the other day, he got so excited at the thought that he drew the whole picture directly onto it, complete with colored in bits!  So between us we started a cushion with felted pieces and embroidered bits. He's sewn a bit himself but mainly it's been my solace in front of the TV each night, enjoying the movement of the thread and the texture of the stitches against the fabric.

The process of making things is beyond therapeutic, it's essential to me.  When I don't create my mind threatens to run too far ahead of me, leaving me bewildered and lagging behind, unable to process, eat or sleep properly.  By having a day work every 2 weeks I'm hoping to balance things out some more, to allow myself some mental breathing space, and some calming solace from my hectic head.

Yes, it's great that sometimes I'm bubbling over with creative energy, with so many projects bursting to get out of me that I can hardly fit them all in.  And it's also fantastic that on other days I'm happy to just show up; to pick up my needles and my yarn or my threads and follow the repetitive rhythm of the stitches.  Today is one of those days and I'm blissfully happy sat in my dressing gown, sipping my cup of tea and following the line of my little boys drawing with my needle and thread.

Feeling shaky

I've finally hit my limit of alcohol and rubbish food! I feel like i've been in some enforced country fair eating contest for the past week where the goal was to shove as much food down my throat as possible! I even seemed to give myself bonus points for finding foods with NO nutritional value whatsoever! But tonight it all stops and tomorrow healthy eating starts and I can't wait! No really, I think there's something lovely about the slightly puritanical zeal I enter healthy living in January.

I'm back in work tomorrow. I'm trying not to cry tonight because Cole's gone to his Dads and I'm now not going to see him for 10 days. I know I should be thrilled at this really because the long delay is due to John and I going to Barbados for a week, but right now I'd happily cancel the trip to spend more time with my little boy.

I'm a bit edgy because of the crappy food, alcohol and the fact that I've not taken my medication today - the chemists were all closed due to New Year and I'll have to wait until tomorrow when I can get them. It's a horrid, yakky feeling, a bit like flu with a massive dose of paranoia - horrid but it should pass pretty quickly once i get them.

I have spent a lovely night planning crafty things to do while I'm away. I got a fantastic present for Christmas - Jenny Hart's (founder of sublime stitching) stitch-it-kit.

I'm so excited about learning to embroider (can't think why I've never done it before - I think I always assumed it was too tricky) but this kit is sooo cute! The patterns are funky and the instructions look very straightforward. I'm imagining myself sitting on some idyllic beach listening to one of the 7 million podcasts I've downloaded to my new ipod and embroidering cute little poodles and hula girls!

I'm looking forward to doing all the self care I'm usually so good at - eating right, exercising, doing LOTS of craft to soothe my soul and troubled mind. In fact, around this time each year I wonder why on earth I let myself get so out of sorts and out of routine. My life is So much better now that I do take my mental (and physical) health seriously and I'm never any happier for the fact that I eat rubbish, forget where the gym is and imbibe one of natures depressants - alcohol. The rest of the year I barely drink and I'm really careful to watch my thought patterns and keep them on a positive.

So happy new year and here's to a wonderful, healthy, happy 2008.