I seem to have touched a nerve with people and it wasn't intentional but thank you for the messages of support generated by my last post. I'm sorry I've not really been on top of things like replying to comments and emails - they have meant a lot and I will get to you I promise - if you can just bear with me a bit longer.
What really surprised me were the comments and emails thanking me for being brave and honest. Well, that blew me away to be honest. Here I was feeling cruddy and low, feeling like I was doing nothing but spreading my misery into the world (ok, exaggerating slightly) and here I get people thanking me. That caused a bit of a paradigm shift in me to be honest. I certainly hadn't viewed it that way but if I've managed to touch some people then I'm really honored.
I forget just how common feelings like mine are. I think that's one of the many, many yakky things about depression; It isolates you - makes you feel out of step with the rest of the world. Your messages have reminded me that feeling low is part of life and I'm not alone in feeling it.
It's funny. I've experienced depression (in various forms) for over 20 years now and it still has the power to slay me and completely skew my perspective on things. Take the instance of my doctor wanting me to increase my anti-depressant dose. I think I mentioned that I was really resistant to it. That was the depression talking. When I'm well (and I can feel the lifting of my mood as I write) I don't worry about taking a little pill everyday. I don't associate shame or weakness with it, and yet when I'm feeling low I hate the idea of taking it. Thankfully I have enough history with this to know that I can't always trust my instincts when I feeling like this so took them anyway. I'm so glad that I did as things are starting to lift, colors are coming back into my world; changing from the sepia that life had become. I feel my optimism returning and my ability to laugh. Why on earth would I be resistant to taking one little pill per day that can help to do all of that?
It is important that I'm honest and open about my depression because one of the nasty little features of it is shame and secrecy. When the illness takes hold, I feel as though I'm infected with some transmittable disease that can be passed to anyone I touch. I feel I have to keep it hidden, and that be doing so I can protect people around me. I know that this doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but in my addled brain it has a certain sort of logic to it. If I can keep away from people, or keep the words inside me, I, and they, will be OK (of sorts.) So one of the ways I've learned to break the cycle is to be as open as I can manage about it, especially when I'm well. I want to establish really strongly in my mind that this isn't something to be ashamed of and that shame is simple a by product of the illness itself.
So I'm glad that some of you were touched by my writings, and saddened that so many of you could relate to it. To borrow a phrase from Oprah, What I know for sure is that life doesn't have to be a struggle and there are lots of things that can be done to break the cycle of depression when it hits. Some times it might take a few attempts to find what works best for you, often (as in my case) it will be a combination of things. I know that if I take the pills, exercise (even if walking is the only thing I can manage), watch my sugar intake, and break the cycle of shame, I'll start to life out of it. I have enough people around me who love me and know enough about how the illness affects me (another by product of me choosing to be open) to be there to remind me to do all of those things and to remember that 'this too shall pass' (I used to write that phrase out over and over when I was at my lowest as a reminder that everything is temporary.)
Already I can feel the sunshine again, and whilst I'm not 100% there, I'm definitely on my way. To those of you on the same journey, I wish you a speedy recovery too. Life can be wonderful - we just forget sometimes.
Jo x






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