As a Brit and someone who's not been raised to feel proud of their achievements (why is it that pride is considered one of the deadly sins anyway?) it feels a bit strange to say I feel proud of myself. But I do. As you know, I went back to work this week and faced my fears - my colleague who's pregnant. And it was ...well, awful if I'm honest. At least, it was at first. In fact, the shock of seeing her with her nice round little bump (why was it a shock? what did I expect her to look like?) was more painful and upsetting than I'd convinced myself if would be. In fact, after only a couple of minutes in there I had to leave to lock myself in the loo and sobbed and sobbed. You know when you're crying so much that you just can't imagine being able to pull yourself together? It was that sort of crying. But I somehow, eventually did managed to get it together and went back in. 
Last night I felt wiped out and honestly couldn't imagine being able to go back in there. Seeing her made my heart break all over again thinking about what we'd lost. This morning I cried the whole way into work. But I managed to hold it together when I got in there. And it wasn't as bad. I had a few meetings, amazed myself at how professional I was able to be (I was actually competent! Honestly, after nearly 2 months doing nothing more demanding than work out how to use bias tape I wasn't sure I'd still be able to hold a conversation!) And then I went back into my office and saw my colleague again. And it was a bit easier still. I forced myself to look at her lovely round bump and I managed it. And it felt a bit easier again. By the end of the day I knew I'd be able to handle it all. I knew I'd be ok.
And I'm proud of myself. Because I was physically sick at the thought of doing something and I still managed to do it. I still feel weird about it and can't say I love the idea of going in but I know I CAN do it and that makes me feel incredibly strong.
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