Blissed out

A Garden

I know I've been a bit quiet this week.  It's partly because I've not had very much to say (I've not made much either) and partly because I know that I've had a lot of new readers this week because of the giveaway and I didn't want to hit them (or regular readers) with the thoughts and feelings that have been rolling around my head.

I have been overwhelmed by the love and support I've received over the past 10 days.  Absolutely blown away.  Not just from friends and family but from readers of the blog.  I've had emails and comments left that have reduced me to tears - tears of hope, gratitude and just sheer wonderment and thankfulness that people can be so kind. 

I've never seen myself as someone who is very good and making and keeping connections and friendships.  I tend to have a small handful of friends - never a large circle.  I've always rather envied those who can have lots of friendships.  I've always been more comfortable being at home than out with the girls.  I find parties strained - OK for an hour or so and then I begin to wonder when it would be OK to leave.  When I was younger I disliked this side of myself but over the years I've come to accept it.

But this past few weeks my view of myself as this loner figure has been shaken in the loveliest way.  I've been amazed at the outpouring of love and support I've been enveloped in - from my Mum coming round to sit with me, to friends calling every day, cards, flowers, emails, comments on the blog.  I realized just how loved I am.  In the midst of all of this awfulness the silver lining has been amazing.  And it was there all along - I just never noticed it.

Beliefs are strange.  My belief that I was a loner colored my view of how other's felt about me.  And I'd carried it around even when it was way out of date.  I'm not alone.  Far, far from it.

The scan on Friday confirmed what we'd originally suspected - our baby had died sometime last week.  As my body was still looking and behaving as if it was still pregnant  (some horrible cosmic irony) I opted for a D&C yesterday.  It was over fairly quickly and pretty untraumatic.  Physically I feel a bit sore and groggy but otherwise OK.  Emotionally I know I'll get there - I feel sad and empty but not broken.

This week I made a garden.  I didn't understand why the urge was so strong but I just NEEDED to make a garden this week. I needed to make something living.   And the garden now looks so much better than before - Although the plants are small and at the moment there seems to be SO much expanse of gravel, as a garden it's growing and alive and it's going to develop and mature over the coming years.  It has a legacy and that makes me happy. I wouldn't call it a memorial garden as such but in a way it's a way of remembering and recognizing our loss. 

Nature

I've been so overwhelmed by the messages of love and support over the past couple of days - I have been touched beyond measure.  Thank you.

I've had a calm couple of days actually.  My Mum came over yesterday bringing comfort and flowers and then more flowers arrived from John's family.  I know sure as eggs is eggs that none of this has hit me yet.  Because I feel, well calm and OK.  It's like I'm in limbo; not feeling anything in particular.  Not the grief and loss that I know are in the post.  I feel kind of empty, like I'm not all here but I'm certainly not upset.  It's the strangest feeling - like I imagine being on sedative drugs must feel like.

And today I've had the strongest urge to garden - to create something living.  John and I have been breaking up flags in the tiny front garden so that we can plant grasses and perennials and smother the whole thing in gravel.  The front garden is so ugly and grey that it has always seemed such a monumental task to tackle it until now.  Now I just knew it needed doing and today!  I'm looking forward to having it looking all pretty and colorful - because at the moment I think it's a case of it looking worse before it gets better!  John, bless him, also dug one of the grasses out of the back and transported it round to the front, only for me to realize it was the wrong one!  I'll correct it over the next few days.

I also bought myself some 'happy wellies' when we were out buying garden materials.  I had an urge for them and like some indulged child decided I would just darn well have them!  I think every girl should have some happy wellies myself.  Much better than my old muddy green ones. It was nice being out amongst nature and seeing the things that are coming up in the back garden (as you can see, there's barely anything living in the front!) The weather has been so bad that I've barely been out for months.  Now I like the idea of planting and nurturing.  I used to be really into gardening but it's slipped away from me over the past couple of years.  It will be nice to have it back.

Maybe it's an attempt to reconnect with and understand nature in light of recent events.  When you plant seeds, not all of them will germinate.  And out of those that do, not all will thrive - some will die off along the way.  You watered them all the same, gave them all the same amount of light and care, but for seemingly no reason, they don't all thrive and go onto bloom.  There is no rhyme or reason for this, no divine plan (in my opinion), just nature.  I'm finding that strangely comforting right now.

24 hours and the world's turned upside down

I'll keep this one short for lots of reasons.  It's amazing the difference 24 hours makes.  Yesterday I was getting married in a few weeks and having a baby.  Today I'm not.  The wedding has been postponed because Cole's dad had forgotten the date of the wedding and booked to take him away to Mexico on that week.  When he realised his mistake he tried to change the date with the travel company but couldn't - they'd lose the whole cost of the holiday (there are 5 of them going.)  I can't get married without Cole there.  It's just not happening - the wedding's as much about the 3 of us becoming a proper family at it is about John and I making that commitment to one another.

Anyway, even if that hadn't happened we'd have undoubtedly canceled it anyway in light of today. I started bleeding again.  And this time the scan wasn't good news.  Baby hasn't grown as expected and they really struggled to detect a heartbeat.  They think they located it (2 sonographers looked) but it's very faint and slow.  They, and the nurse who spoke to us afterwards left us in no doubt that this wasn't good and we should expect the worst.  'Nature will likely take it's course' over the weekend and if it doesn't I have to go back next week and they'll help it along.

I felt so sad earlier on but now I'm feeling hollow, empty and numb.  Maybe it's nature's way of the mind protecting itself.  We'll rearrange the wedding - probably in a few months.  We'll also try for another baby.  but I wanted this one.  I really wanted it.

I might be a bit quiet for a bit.  Or I might go into a making frenzy to keep myself occupied.  So you never know - I might be posting everyday with new stuff I've made.  Bear with me please. 

A breath out

I went up to another hospital today for another early pregnancy scan - I'd had a bleed on Monday night and another small one this morning.  I honestly couldn't face going back to the last hospital but after not getting to sleep until 3am this morning, I knew I had to get some answers one way or another.  So I went off to my local hospital - and it was so different from last week.  I was seen straight away, the staff were kind and reassuring and best of all- everything is fine!  The baby is in the right place and I got to see it's little heartbeat!  I was sobbing in the consultation room I was so happy and relieved.  I don't think I had quite realized just how tense and worried I was - I really hadn't allowed myself to become hopeful that this pregnancy would work out - as I said a few weeks ago, I wasn't daring to breath out.

As statistics have been my life raft in the choppy sea of miscarriage worries I thrilled to know that after a successful early scan where there is a good strong heartbeat shown, the chances of this going onto be a successful pregnancy is 96%!!!  There pretty good odds me thinks.  I have finally allowed myself to read a baby magazine and to think about the future with a new baby.

I'm going to do my best to enjoy every minute of it - even feeling sick and tired (which I am a lot at the moment.)  And if I ever get to moaning too much - just give me a gentle reminder of these words!

I've been doing some making this week in between my worrying.  I've almost finished another elephant - I thought I'd do a pink one because I had some fabric burning a hole in my stash drawer.  He/She still needs some ears and eyes so I'll post some proper pics when complete.  For now I'm just breathing a super big sigh of relief.

Jo x

Oh thank you it's the weekend!

It's been a funny old week.  On the one hand there's been so much blog love flying around that I'm practically swooning! On the other there is the day job and it's felt like a loooong week!  I'm not complaining too much, it's just that I've been in the office all week and not out and about running training and I always find that pretty draining.  So tonight I'm so tired I could literally go to bed now!  Oh OK, I'm being a bit melodramatic but I've a touch of the blurgh's tonight.  But enough groaning - lets look at some lovely buttons!  These arrived in the post yesterday - more ebay love.  Aren't the colors lovely? (adopts Homer Simpson voice "Mmmmm buttons...")

A Bit Late - Our Sunday In the Country

I know it's Tuesday - but I'm a bit behind on my days!  I wanted to post a few pictures of the walk John and I took on Sunday.  The weather has been so beautiful recently - cold and bright  and John suggested going for a walk.  I'm stuggling a bit with the new arrangements for Cole.  His Dad and I are alternating weekends - we both have him an equal amount of time but Cole asked if he could have longer stretches with each of us.  So instead of having a couple of days with me, then a couple at his Dads and so on, he's having 5 days with each of us on alternate weeks - so that means that this weekend he's with me but last weekend I was feeling a bit bereft without him. 

Time with him is so precious.  I know that as parents we always say that whatever age they are is a lovely one, but at the moment he is just such good company.  He seems to be straddling two lovely camps - still innocent and full of questions and enthusiasm for life but no longer needing me every two minutes - so he's no hard work at all.  Of course I never used to mind the hard work bit but it's so lovely that he's so independent and yet still wants me - still wants a cuddle, to chat, to do things together - heck, he even wants to craft with me!  I love our time together so much that I find it hard to steel myself  when I have to let him go - and five  days feels like an eternity.

I try and appreciate the time without demands.  I do my uni work, crafting, writing.  I cook. I am able to have lie ins.  But I miss him.  I pine for him.  He's my little boy and the light of my life.  He is my life.

John is so fantastic with him and I am constantly astonished at just how well he interacts and cares for my beautiful boy, without the ties of biology.  But he knows how to appreciate these noise free weekends and he helps me to appreciate, or at least manage, them too.  So this Sunday he took me off into the countryside.  I'm such a city girl at heart but because Manchester is so much smaller than say, London, it's easy to get out there in 20 minutes or so.  We drove out to the Maccelsfield Canal - Bosley Locks to be exact.  It was lovely.  Lots of open space and peace. We passed a few people walking their dogs but other than that it was just John and I and the sunshine. 
Here's a rare picture of John facing the camera - believe me that's unusual (and I only got this one because I was too quick for him!)

And here's another one of some barges.  I don't think I could actually live on one but we did pass some very cute looking ones where the owners had created little gardens outside on the towpath.  John assures me they hold their heat well but I'm not convinced!

A sofa cautionary tale!

We're having the parents over the Christmas this year. I'm not going to go into my mixed feelings about this just now (suffice to say I'm fantasizing that we're all going to morph into the Waltons and suddenly get on without bickering but I'm not holding out much hope!) But one of the questions on my mind was, 'where are we all going to sit?' being that we only have a 2 seater sofa and one armchair. John and I tend to like to ask for money for Christmas presents and put it towards things for the house and this year we reckoned we could afford a new sofa (Ikea have a sale on!) if we pooled our money and ebay'd the armchair we've already got. So I went down yesterday to order our lovely new 3 seater sofa and it was delivered this morning. Oh the excitement - imagine, having room to snuggle all together instead of being squished on the pokey 2 seater? The new cushions I could make!

It was all new smelling and wrapped in cellophane and bubble wrap - and in fact...still is - because we couldn't fit it through the door to the living room! Oh we've tried, believe me, we have pushed, shoved, oils, cajoled, swore, jimmied but to no avail. The sofa will have to do one of 4 things:
1. shrink (my preferred choice but admittedly not very likely)
2. Be brought in through the living room window - this would involve actually removing the window and later replacing it - John is seriously considering this but I have to say the very idea scares me to death (what if it breaks/doesn't go back)
3. be taken back to the shop and replaced with another 2 seater like the one we've already got - looking the most attractive option although it will cost us to have it collected, then for the new one to be delivered.
4. Stay in the hallway indefinitely until we decide what to do with it - believe me, John doesn't think a week on having a large sofa taking up the entire width of the hall way is too much to put up with!

We haven't decided exactly what we're going to do yet but it's a hassle we can definitely do without 2 weeks before Christmas!

This is a picture of the door to my dining room completely obstructed by the offending sofa!

And here it is taking up my entire hallway!

Getting Kids Involved

Cole's baby sister was born on Thursday.  His response? "arwh!  I wanted a brother!"  Still, I think he's realised pretty quickly that babies or either sex don't do very much except cry, sleep, eat and 'poop'!  He helped his dad change a nappy on Friday whilst his rather exhausted step mum managed to get some sleep.  Baby Alice pooped whilst he nappy was off - "It looked liked chocolate sauce being squirted out of a tube!" came my 7 year olds delighted response. 

He'd wanted to make something for the baby and we did try knitting for a while but unfortunately, for lots of reasons (mainly me not pursuing it enough if I'm honest) we didn't get very far.  I've been knitting another fluffy ducks cardigan from the Rowan Baby book, which is very cute, but I wanted Cole to have a part in it.  So I came up with the idea of having him do some of the embellishments.  I've cut out some little felt flowers and he's carefully stitched them onto the front.  I like the fact that the felt gives it a very 'crafty feel' which suits the naive stitching.  He’s made a very pretty card for her too. 

I have to admit that I feel a bit strange about the new baby. There are a mixed bag of emotions in there – a bit of jealousy at them having a baby (Why not me?  When will I be pregnant?), plus a bit of fear over whether Cole will be pushed out a bit (and isn’t this a natural thing anyway that all kids have to get used to when siblings arrive?), and a bit protective of him.  I think it’s natural for Cole’s step mum to feel differently towards her own child than she does to Cole – I don’t think this is even a bad thing, unless of course he starts to be treated differently.  I’m sure neither his Dad or step mum would do this deliberately but I can’t help but feel it a bit (am I being paranoid?)  Cole himself doesn’t seem phased at all by the new arrival but it’s very early days yet – thankfully he’s a very deep sleeper so with any luck he’ll miss out on the disturbed nights!

Yuck-back at work!

It feels like a month since I was on holiday - how horrible's that? I've been working really long hours too and missing my knitting so badly. I've been mentally planning my Christmas gifts in the quieter moments (ok, and in the boring meetings!)

I usually make a number of gifts for friends. Last year I did some beaded lariets and some mohair spiral scarfs. The year before it was lavender wheat pillows (one of which I'm cuddling right now because it's COLD!)

So I'm on the hunts for cool little gifts I can make my friends. I'm thinking of doing some baking this year - maybe some mini Christmas cakes and brownies. I'm obviously going to do some knitted gifts too. John's Mum would benefit from a warm shawl (although I might crochet her one after my sweet pea shawl) and I've seen a lovely little bolero pattern that I could make for my niece - and maybe some little glamorous beanie hats for my girlfriends. - SOOOO much to do and so little time (I'm so wishing I didn't have to work and could just have a month sat at home making things, but who doesn't?)

My sleeps all over the place - I'm whacked by 8.30 and then WIDE awake by 11. It's after 12 now and I'm still awake.

arrgggh! Not a relaxing start to the week!

If you could see stress around someone, my head would have resembled Pigpen from Charlie Brown this morning – but instead of dust and dirt I had sparks of stress fizzing and buzzing around my head! I wanted a nice, relaxing weekend but it hasn't exactly gone that way - and for no particular reason either (except possibly me trying to fit too much in - as usual!) Actually, perhaps I was more like Lucy!

I really wanted a chill out this weekend but had a tough day at work on Friday, then a lengthy conversation with my Ex in the evening which just left me feeling drained. I couldn’t’ seem to get going on Saturday and suddenly had a urge for some space – you know, the peace and quiet that working Mums sometimes crave like the delicious distant memory that it is! Obviously with Cole and John I couldn’t get said space, although I have to admit that I’d probably have had more chance of getting it if I’d actually asked for it instead of stomping round the place sighing a lot (Well, why can’t they become mind readers!?) I had to collect Cole from a party which over ran by an hour so I have 60 whole minutes sat amongst 20 sugared up, over excited 7 year olds trying to get to the quiet happy place in my head! Sunday was my own fault really – although I did have ANOTHER conversation with my ex (which I have to say, I try to keep to a minimum because I really struggle not to get wound up by him) and then went to the supermarket (again!) and cooked a dinner (roast chicken, all the trimmings – am I MAD?) took Cole to a museum, did his homework with him, did some of my own work, vacuumed, and washed up. Oh, we also made cakes and iced them. By the end of the day, all of my attempts to be a ‘good mum’ had been overshadowed by the fact that I’d morphed into a screaming banshee, stomping around the place and sighing heavily! I Should have cut my losses and just given up, stayed in bed today and ordered an industrial sized tub of Ben & Jerry’s. But instead I got up (late – my medication is making me feel VERY groggy at the moment) tried to get Cole to eat a reasonable amount of breakfast, took him to school, getting there by the skin of our teeth, only to realise I’d forgotten his PE kit and had to go back for it! I rang in late for work, got a Danish pastry on the way (diet blown AGAIN) and then had yet another conversation with my ex about arranging an appointment to see Cole’s teacher. By the time I’d got into work I was decidedly un poised! Anyway, I’ve decided I need a new nickname – found this when looking for a picture to sum up my mood! Think it’s kinda apt – who moi?