It's that time of the month again. Aunt Flo is paying her visit. I've got the painters in. The Old Bag's here. The time of the moon - whatever you want to call it - I've got my period! And 7 months after my miscarriage I'm still not pregnant. I'm dealing with things so much better than a while ago but I have to be honest and say that some days are more difficult than others.
Tuesday would have been my due date for the baby we lost. I was ok. Really, I was - a bit sad but nothing huge. I've had such a wonderful year and really do feel that life is a great thing - we've gotten married, traveled, I've a new job starting in a few weeks and we have the strength to have come through what was a fairly horrible time. So I'm at peace with what happened and felt that Tuesday wasn't a day to get upset but one to be marked in a dignified way. And we did. I bought a new Orchid for the fireplace and I said a few prayers. It was a day for paying tribute. And I have a wonderful 8 year old who's so bright and loving that I could never be too downbeat - how ungrateful would it be to not realise how lucky I am?
And some days I do get a bit down. I think a big part of me expected to be pregnant by now. And I'm not and sometimes I start to wonder if it's ever going to happen. This month was extra significant because it's the month I would have been due (and how kind for nature to have coincided my period being due on that day?) And I'm really annoyed at myself because I did an online fortune telling reading - which I don't even believe in! this is the extent of the madness! So I did the reading (and bloody paid for it!) back in May and it said that I would get my BFP (online code for Big Fat Positive) in November and it would result in me having a baby girl in July 2009. And at the time I thought 'sod that I'm getting pregnant waaaaay before then! Only that did that happen? Did it b****ry! And now, in November, no matter how much I told myself what total and utter rubbish the reading had been, I was still hopeful it would come true. And I'm really annoyed at myself for allowing myself to believe such complete tosh.
So onwards and upwards. I've got to go for another blood test in a few weeks because my last one showed a borderline low thyroid. I've been seeing a homeopath who's recommended some herbal and homeopathic remedies which seem to be helping. I'm using some natural progesterone cream to try and elongate my cycle (it's borderline too short to support a pregnancy at the moment) and I'm if we're going to be referred for fertility tests in the new year - oh joy!
It's great that all of this stuff is available. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that it's all going to work and one day we'll get our baby. And keep our sanity in the meantime.
Jo x
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