Nature

I've been so overwhelmed by the messages of love and support over the past couple of days - I have been touched beyond measure.  Thank you.

I've had a calm couple of days actually.  My Mum came over yesterday bringing comfort and flowers and then more flowers arrived from John's family.  I know sure as eggs is eggs that none of this has hit me yet.  Because I feel, well calm and OK.  It's like I'm in limbo; not feeling anything in particular.  Not the grief and loss that I know are in the post.  I feel kind of empty, like I'm not all here but I'm certainly not upset.  It's the strangest feeling - like I imagine being on sedative drugs must feel like.

And today I've had the strongest urge to garden - to create something living.  John and I have been breaking up flags in the tiny front garden so that we can plant grasses and perennials and smother the whole thing in gravel.  The front garden is so ugly and grey that it has always seemed such a monumental task to tackle it until now.  Now I just knew it needed doing and today!  I'm looking forward to having it looking all pretty and colorful - because at the moment I think it's a case of it looking worse before it gets better!  John, bless him, also dug one of the grasses out of the back and transported it round to the front, only for me to realize it was the wrong one!  I'll correct it over the next few days.

I also bought myself some 'happy wellies' when we were out buying garden materials.  I had an urge for them and like some indulged child decided I would just darn well have them!  I think every girl should have some happy wellies myself.  Much better than my old muddy green ones. It was nice being out amongst nature and seeing the things that are coming up in the back garden (as you can see, there's barely anything living in the front!) The weather has been so bad that I've barely been out for months.  Now I like the idea of planting and nurturing.  I used to be really into gardening but it's slipped away from me over the past couple of years.  It will be nice to have it back.

Maybe it's an attempt to reconnect with and understand nature in light of recent events.  When you plant seeds, not all of them will germinate.  And out of those that do, not all will thrive - some will die off along the way.  You watered them all the same, gave them all the same amount of light and care, but for seemingly no reason, they don't all thrive and go onto bloom.  There is no rhyme or reason for this, no divine plan (in my opinion), just nature.  I'm finding that strangely comforting right now.

Comments

[Vicki]

Bless you and the ones close to you!
Vicki

[Twiggypeasticks]

Hello hun
I love your happy wellies. I really do think nature is one of the most reaffirming things and also find gardening therapeutic,we've been doing a bit of seed planting etc this morning and it's brightened my slight current blues. Anyhow, do you know what I'd love to do for you if I lived nearby, plant a lovely little blossom tree in your garden. So instead I'm sending a big hug from me and a big kiss from Twiglet
Twiggy x

[Marie]

I was outside in my garden too all weekend long and didn't see your posts until today. I am truly sorry. I wish you strength during this difficult time. May time and the joys of your daily life help you through.
John and you WILL get married. A silly father and a trip to Mexico won't stop that.
I'm so glad the gardening helped to lift your spirits. I could get lost forever in mine. It always lifts me up.